Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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