my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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