I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
