..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
