My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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