..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
