You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
