Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
