Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
