i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
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Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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