Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers