just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
