Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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