If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
