she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
