what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
