i wish starbucks made bloody marys
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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