i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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