I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
