M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
