He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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