what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
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Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
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Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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