Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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