she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
