just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
