No awkward lesbian experiences without me
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
