sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
