my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
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REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
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It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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