So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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