Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
