saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I think my vagina is haunted
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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