I will die if light touches me.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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