That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
