and you said cock pushups were impossible
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
