i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
