I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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