Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Bring me that man meat
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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