She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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