i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
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You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
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"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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