im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
