I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Randomize
