So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
