he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Randomize
