i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
