Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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