You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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