im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
