Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
