My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
