All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Randomize
