Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
