I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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