Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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