i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
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All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
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It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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